Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
You Might Also Like
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
cry laughing at this shit
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.