@tayandmae

Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man

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@Malowbar

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.

@QwertyJones3

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

@stacywawa1

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

@TheWeirdWorld

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

@lincnotfound

god: *texts dinosaur jesus*

dinosaur jesus: *ghosts him*

god: thats it *hurls phone at earth*

[later]

dinosaur jesus: wtf is that thing

@MelvinofYork

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

@itmegreggy

[first mma fight]

me: Pikachu I choose you!

Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle

me: *throws rat taped to a taser*

@Beer_Blonde_

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.

@Mom_Overboard

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.