CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
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*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Morning my dudes.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.