Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
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[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
this is the news I live for
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
🍞🦆
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.