everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
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Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
#NoRestForTheWicked
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you