@markleggett

Close your eyes. Now imagine a peaceful meadow. That meadow represents your betrayal. I told you to close your eyes, but you kept reading.

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@dafloydsta

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

@TheRealRHB

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

@squirrel74wkgn

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

@ObscureGent

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

@ShootyDoody

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently

@momjeansplease

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*