@dafloydsta *stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
@markleggett Close your eyes. Now imagine a peaceful meadow. That meadow represents your betrayal. I told you to close your eyes, but you kept reading.
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@dafloydsta 
@ladymisskate Doormats are a gateway rug.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
@TheRealRHB Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
@ShootyDoody I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
@squirrel74wkgn [job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
@ObscureGent Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
@ShootyDoody Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
@momjeansplease Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
@_youhadonejob1 Best warning sign ever.
