[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
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until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’