Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
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Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Just parrot things
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!