[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

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Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops


Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.


NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.


*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”


School supply list when I was a kid:

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.


What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?


To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”


[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous


Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
I still have Pringles?


If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?