[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
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You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
I’d use my best pan on you.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.