Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
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Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
School supply list when I was a kid:
School supply list now:
Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
I still have Pringles?
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?