Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Me: to catch and train the owl.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
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Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
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wife *opens First Aid kit*
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
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*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”