[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

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Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.


Why is childbirth called “delivery” and not “take out?”


“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?


SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8


Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”


BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees


Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.

Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage


The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”


wife *opens First Aid kit*
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time


Dear Californians- Quit telling everyone there’s a drought. The ocean is right there. You’re just lazy.


*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”