@ArfMeasures

[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there

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@iamburtjarvis

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

@rickolantern

When did razors get so expensive?

Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave

@MaryKoCo

If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it

@Jeffwni

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

@Julian_Deane

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

@HepatitisAtoZ

cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”

@ch000ch

waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect

@eeethanford

But I would walk 500 miles

and I would walk 500 more

to be the man who walked 1000 miles

to get away from you.

I want a divorce.

@Fred_Delicious

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

@freedom2726

If I refer to you as ugly, I always mean on the inside, you piece of shit.