*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
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As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.