Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
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cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.