Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
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[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued