@daemonic3

[clothing store]

me: can you help estimate what size i am? my deceased wife used to buy all my shirts for me

employee: i recommend a medium

me: ok do you know any good ones?

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@causticbob

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

@CoatCzech

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

@climaxximus

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

@_salt_n_lime

I’m never more aware of the echo in a public restroom than when my kid yells out, “Hey Mom, are you pooping?”

@novicefather

[interview]

“Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: responds poorly to authority

@EliHansenMusic

I’m at my most immature when girls misspell “cologne” and start talking about how bad a man’s colon smells

@TheTweetOfGod

“Scientology” is a combination of “scient-,” meaning “science,” and “-ology,” meaning “science.” And it just gets stupider from there.

@Super_Cynthia

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.