@daemonic3

[clothing store]

me: can you help estimate what size i am? my deceased wife used to buy all my shirts for me

employee: i recommend a medium

me: ok do you know any good ones?

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@pbear79

A woman with questionable hygiene, no teeth, and an eye patch asked me if I was looking for a date..

Long story short, picking her up at 7.

@Aikiwomannc

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

@tastefactory

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

@SharpeBytes

It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being

@batkaren

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

@Social_Mime

I used to be jealous of people with nice cars, now I’m jealous of people who can process saturated fats.

@mariana057

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

@FormerGrunt

My ex was an absolute treasure.

By treasure, I mean you will need a map and a shovel to find her.

@JohnLyonTweets

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

@heyitsJudeD

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?