I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
me: can you help estimate what size i am? my deceased wife used to buy all my shirts for me
employee: i recommend a medium
me: ok do you know any good ones?
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1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I’m never more aware of the echo in a public restroom than when my kid yells out, “Hey Mom, are you pooping?”
“Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: responds poorly to authority
I’m at my most immature when girls misspell “cologne” and start talking about how bad a man’s colon smells
“Scientology” is a combination of “scient-,” meaning “science,” and “-ology,” meaning “science.” And it just gets stupider from there.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.