STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
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Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
*cough*
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim