[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
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Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
❤️🦆
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.