me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
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Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Lol
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
My Plans 2020
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum