[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
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DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake