@ChaseMit
@AnOrangeSNES
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
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@AnOrangeSNES
@fro_vo
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
@AmishPornStar1
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
@dhumann
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
@darrinfb
I want my ashes scattered when I die.
I don’t like people visiting me now…. I’ll be damned if I want visitors when I’m dead.
@Holbornlolz
@tazsme
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
@LurkAtHomeMom
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
@XplodingUnicorn
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
@TheMichaelRock
Coworker: Do you party?
Me: Well I do schedule two nights a month that I stay up past 11pm. So yeah.