“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
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[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah