@ChaseMit

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

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@AnOrangeSNES

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

@fro_vo

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

@dhumann

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

@darrinfb

I want my ashes scattered when I die.

I don’t like people visiting me now…. I’ll be damned if I want visitors when I’m dead.

@tazsme

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

@LurkAtHomeMom

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: Do you party?

Me: Well I do schedule two nights a month that I stay up past 11pm. So yeah.