On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
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*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I want my ashes scattered when I die.
I don’t like people visiting me now…. I’ll be damned if I want visitors when I’m dead.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Coworker: Do you party?
Me: Well I do schedule two nights a month that I stay up past 11pm. So yeah.