[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
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*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Dance like you’re not the father
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird