[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
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“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
brian had himself a morning…
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
*orders delivery*
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175