[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
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I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.