Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
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Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.