Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
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9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
j o i m p
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.