@Taller_stories

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

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@AndrewChamings

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

@MariyaAlexander

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

@TheRealNickKay

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me

@SamGrittner

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

@JPLFR80

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

@CoopSoSarc

We decided to go out for bbq tonight.

As it turns out, I’m too immature to discuss how to smoke your meat with strangers.

@TheAlexP

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

@UrFavAsianGuy

Sorry girls, I’m no Bruno Mars, I won’t catch a grenade for you. In fact, if such situation ever happened, I’d use you as a human shield.

@justinbieber

Call me maybe by Carly Rae Jepson is possibly the catchiest song I’ve ever heard lol