Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
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host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
How to properly lift a body
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?