Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
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It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
My therapist cries “Why me?” for the full hour.
Her: How do you feel about legalizing marijuana?
Me: I’m ambidextrous about it.
Her: Um, I think you meant to use a different word.
Me: [a joint in each hand] Oh, how embarrassing.
I’m tired of this long distance relationship! Time to move the liquor cabinet to the living room!
WIFE: He thinks he’s a news anchor
DOCTOR: Is this true
ME: [stacking papers & talking inaudibly as the camera zooms out]
I want to know the backstory of when an eyelash turns evil and says “That’s it. I’m done protecting the eye. I’m going in to destroy it now”
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show