PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
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Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
We decided to go out for bbq tonight.
As it turns out, I’m too immature to discuss how to smoke your meat with strangers.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Sorry girls, I’m no Bruno Mars, I won’t catch a grenade for you. In fact, if such situation ever happened, I’d use you as a human shield.
Call me maybe by Carly Rae Jepson is possibly the catchiest song I’ve ever heard lol