Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
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It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.