[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
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Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?