@MarfSalvador
@bornmiserable
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
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@bornmiserable
@roxiqt
Date someone who:
• is very mysterious
• has large glowing eyes
• is more than seven feet tall
• has a 10 foot wingspan
• lives in West Virginia
• is the Mothman
@dafloydsta
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
@HumbleBeastDre
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
@Donnie_Fairburn
Women say they like a man in uniform but I’ve been wearing this naughty nurse outfit all day and not a single woman has approached me yet 🙁
@AngryRaccoon2
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
@junejuly12
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
@BoogTweets
“It’s a bird, no it’s a plane” my dude, how bad are your eyes (rhetorical) that you can’t tell the difference between a bird (very small) and a plane (like 3 times bigger than any bird) not to mention (but I will) it’s actually a guy in tights (possibly cake)
@novicefather
My neighbor and I are really close. We call each other things like bro, man, dude, boss…
We don’t know each other’s name.
@CarrieMayhem
I want to lose some weight but I love food & hate exercise. I’m really stuck between a rock & a fat place here.