10 people in 1 suffer from multiple personality disorder.
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
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[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
PARENT: They grow up so fast. Which one is yours?
ME: *smiling proudly* The cat over there biting that blonde kid
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Waiter: how would you like your steak?
Waiter: *brings steak with a 1st edition Charizard on it*
Me: *tearing up* perfect