@MarfSalvador

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

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@roxiqt

Date someone who:

• is very mysterious
• has large glowing eyes
• is more than seven feet tall
• has a 10 foot wingspan
• lives in West Virginia
• is the Mothman

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

@HumbleBeastDre

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

@Donnie_Fairburn

Women say they like a man in uniform but I’ve been wearing this naughty nurse outfit all day and not a single woman has approached me yet 🙁

@AngryRaccoon2

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

@junejuly12

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

@BoogTweets

“It’s a bird, no it’s a plane” my dude, how bad are your eyes (rhetorical) that you can’t tell the difference between a bird (very small) and a plane (like 3 times bigger than any bird) not to mention (but I will) it’s actually a guy in tights (possibly cake)

@novicefather

My neighbor and I are really close. We call each other things like bro, man, dude, boss…

We don’t know each other’s name.

@CarrieMayhem

I want to lose some weight but I love food & hate exercise. I’m really stuck between a rock & a fat place here.