[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
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Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
my friends when i can’t do basic math
This trial is so absurd 😭
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.