@curlycomedy

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

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@BruceForce

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

@DanMentos

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

@MorphineDreamzz

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

@Home_Halfway

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

@unravelingfire

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

@Stap_Jr

Pimp My Ride just showed up and turned my Corolla into a barbecue.

@Tommytoughstuff

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

@bwebster76

Do people who use handkerchiefs know they don’t have to hang on to the things that come out of their nose?