@wolfpupy

clutches my newly bought loaf of bread nervously as i walk past the duck pond

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@shashaintl

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

@jonnysun

*jesus givs u bread*
this is my body
*jesus givs u wine*
this is my blood
*jesus puts ur hand in soggy noodles*
and these r my BRAAAINS ooOO

@MavenofHonor

Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

@jackiembouvier

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

@ThatThunderMan

“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza

@cray_at_home_ma

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

@NOTVIKING

date: i think my eyebrows are my worst feature

me: [trying to compliment her] not true, you have many worse features

@leifromloihi

[opens fortune cookie]

be careful what you wish for

[opens another]

this is your final warning

@TweetPotato314

[Sea World]

me: how much to see the great white sharks?

vendor: tickets are $25 each

me: alright *looks up from wallet* how much for the just ok white sharks?

@AndyAsAdjective

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV