A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
clutches my newly bought loaf of bread nervously as i walk past the duck pond
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*jesus givs u bread*
this is my body
*jesus givs u wine*
this is my blood
*jesus puts ur hand in soggy noodles*
and these r my BRAAAINS ooOO
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
date: i think my eyebrows are my worst feature
me: [trying to compliment her] not true, you have many worse features
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
this is your final warning
me: how much to see the great white sharks?
vendor: tickets are $25 each
me: alright *looks up from wallet* how much for the just ok white sharks?
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV