stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
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Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.