@theroneman

Clyde: I’m looking 4 a partner. What’s ur name?
“Bonnie”
C: That ur real name?
“Nope. Jekyll Elizabeth Parker”
C: …Bonnie it is

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@quarenqueenlily

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

@PaperWash

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time

@KateWhineHall

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

@TheCatWhisprer

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

@daddyville

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

@brynnester

Bank Robber: Put all the hand sanitizer and the toilet paper in the bag and no one gets hurt

Teller: And the money?

Bank Robber: No thanks

@Eightinchgoat

Some dude just asked if I was “herb friendly”. I told him I like basil and dill and he walked off. Guess he didn’t have thyme to discuss it.

@BuckyIsotope

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

@MumInBits

3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game