Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
You Might Also Like
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Try and stop me.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.