C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
You Might Also Like
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”