@pseudofauxme

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

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@DrakeGatsby

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

@jctwritesstuff

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

@BuckyIsotope

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

@johnistoasted

My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”

@ddsmidt

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

@gigi_k1

Everybody gangsta until the cockroach starts flying

@iwearaonesie

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

@amydillon

To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”