@pseudofauxme

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

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@charstarlene

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

@jakob_huber

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

@aedison

Can’t believe I’m still writing “-oslovakian” on all my Czechs.

@JocMaxedOut

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

@eXentRic_

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

@poutinesmoothie

Lactose intolerant means you shouldn’t eat dairy products.

Lack Toast & Tolerant means you don’t have any toast and you’re okay with it.

@jctwritesstuff

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

@ericsshadow

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

@House_Feminist

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair