If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
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I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
ouch
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.