C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
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What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
What personal space?
My dog
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.