“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
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My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
🤣🤣🤣
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?