@InternetHippo

CNN, 1939: Invading Poland made him sexy 😉

CNN, 1940: Hitler has developed a disturbing penchant for invasions

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@trojansauce

[creating foxes]

GOD: make it orange & give it a fat tail
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and make it sneaky
ANGEL: you sure?
GOD: yeah… real sneaky

@SketchesbyBoze

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

@GreenishDuck

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

@seandunn76

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

@ArfMeasures

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

@Mamaoutoforder

Thanks for throwing that tantrum now I see the error of my ways.

said no parent ever.

@stevevsninjas

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.