What is the worst kind of pasta and why do you think it’s penne?
CNN, 1939: Invading Poland made him sexy 😉
CNN, 1940: Hitler has developed a disturbing penchant for invasions
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GOD: make it orange & give it a fat tail
GOD: and make it sneaky
ANGEL: you sure?
GOD: yeah… real sneaky
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
*erases sword because it sucks*
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Thanks for throwing that tantrum now I see the error of my ways.
said no parent ever.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.