Smoked a cigar
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
CNN, 1939: Invading Poland made him sexy 😉
CNN, 1940: Hitler has developed a disturbing penchant for invasions
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Wow…trying to wrap my mouth around this bratwurst reminds me of my first high school boyfriend.
He hated bratwurst.
Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
Need I say more?
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Childless people wondering what it’s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”
What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!