Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
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Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”