CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
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Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.