CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
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*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
The only equipped I am is ill.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.