CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
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6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
road rage
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers