CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
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Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
If it鈥檚 dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Boss: I鈥檓 afraid I鈥檓 going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he鈥檒l grow a few feet overnight
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word鈥tupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
If you didn鈥檛 want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn鈥檛 have had a cash bar
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 馃檪 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
The glory of fall.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.