thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
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Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Um … Hot Wings please
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses