CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
You Might Also Like
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*