If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
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Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.