My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
CNN reports Hurricane Patricia “hit luxury resorts and impoverished villages with equal ferocity.” Did they expect wealth-based discernment?
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My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Im half scotch.
And i dont mean scottish.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
-If you say orange really slowly it sounds like gullible.
*walks around corner*
Me: (whispers) orrrrrrrraaaaannnnngggge
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
*goes to bed
My boss told me: “Dress for the job you want…” so there will be a stormtrooper at tomorrow morning’s meeting.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”