@Tierno158

CNN reports Hurricane Patricia “hit luxury resorts and impoverished villages with equal ferocity.” Did they expect wealth-based discernment?

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@LeiaMarieG

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

@Schmoodles

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

@FatherWithTwins

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

@Bratterina

-If you say orange really slowly it sounds like gullible.

Me: pfffffft

*walks around corner*

Me: (whispers) orrrrrrrraaaaannnnngggge

@TheWadest

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

@WorkingMom86

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

@Bob_Heller

My boss told me: “Dress for the job you want…” so there will be a stormtrooper at tomorrow morning’s meeting.

@behindyourback

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”