CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
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i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
If looks could kill
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER