CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Girl, same.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions