mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
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*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck