@SeptapusDenny

CNN writer: how’s this – my phone is missing.

CNN exec: meh

Writer: It was on AIRPLANE mode!

*CNN exec absolutely loses it*

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@cbdoubleu

*raises the bar

16 yrs later]

Bar: even though you weren’t my real father I always wanted to call you, dad. Dad.

*me trying not to cry

@ElliotHetherton

Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true

@TitansHomer

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

@skullpuppy11

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

@jonnysun

dog who is interested in graphic design, lookig at the new pantone color of the year: i dont get it, everey year its just the same dam color

@ThingsDrakeDo

Drake the type of dude who eat two gummy bears at the same time so they don’t die alone.

@HenpeckedHal

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

@iRowlf

I think these bikers are coming over to give me a group hug because they like the Hello Kitty stickers I put all over their motorcycles.

@BobTheSuit

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

@omarIoya

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am: