CNN writer: how’s this – my phone is missing.

CNN exec: meh

Writer: It was on AIRPLANE mode!

*CNN exec absolutely loses it*

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*raises the bar

16 yrs later]

Bar: even though you weren’t my real father I always wanted to call you, dad. Dad.

*me trying not to cry


Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true


Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.


People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.


dog who is interested in graphic design, lookig at the new pantone color of the year: i dont get it, everey year its just the same dam color


Drake the type of dude who eat two gummy bears at the same time so they don’t die alone.


Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.


I think these bikers are coming over to give me a group hug because they like the Hello Kitty stickers I put all over their motorcycles.


Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.


flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am: