Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

You Might Also Like


My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school


5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?



5: I’ll borrow another dollar.


Our laundry room flooded because an apple chunk clogged the washer hose. Go ahead, have kids. They have pocket apples.


Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.


“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.

*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*


Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?

Me: Are you volunteering?


Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.


me: what’s a palindrome

teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

me: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where’s the palindrome

getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]


“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.