Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
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Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.