@TheIrishJoey

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

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@ashleycrem

If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

@Freudstombstone

Sorry I missed your funeral, but in my defense, you’re not coming to mine.

@markysumm

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

@vikkaroni

You’re never too old to throw random shit in people’s shopping carts when they aren’t looking.

@AtticusFinch79

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

@GamerPres2020

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

@CruisinSoozan

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

@JermHimselfish

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

@TheToddWilliams

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!