Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
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My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Mmmm canned fish.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
*pokes sex life with a stick
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Rt to bother an English speaker
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.