Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
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receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped