Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
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How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Wedding planning is organized crime.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”